Paddleboarding

Current medications

Prozac: 10mg

Lamotrigine: 350mg

Olanzapine: 5mg

Levothyroxine: 1000mcg

Selenium: 200 µg

I am continuing to try and get out and do things.

It is scary to do these things as I have such a busy mind that it is very difficult to stay present. Last week I took myself Paddleboarding on the coast. I didn’t really want to go, but I made myself. I did get some enjoyment, and allowed myself to just focus on what I was doing, and not ruminating over past mistakes.

I did not tolerate my new dose of 1000mcg at first, the tremors hit me (again) so I stopped taking it for 5 days and restarted.

I am now tolerating it fine.

I have noticed that my head is a little less foggy and clearer. I am slowly starting to try and apply logic to my fears and worries.

There is now a more concrete chance that I can get back to my old self. I have just returned from london after going for dinner with some friends from America, this is a huge milestone and I am giving myself a pat on the back.

I am sleeping better, although some mornings I wake up too early and struggle to get back to sleep.

I am still extremely sad about my long term relationship coming to an end, this was the main trigger for this period of illness. One of my friends is about to have a baby, and another one is considering it, they are both married. This is extremely triggering for me as I wanted this for me and my girlfriend. I am 30 now, and my life has been completely upended. I told my mum that there isn’t really much for me to live for anymore, which worried her. I explained that I am just going to go through the motions but never be whole again.

Looking back, my life has been a pretty big failure. Being with my girlfriend was my biggest achievement, and losing this has left an enormous gaping hole in my life.

Despite this, I will continue. Tom Robinson quoted in one of his podcasts: ‘nothing made anything as strong as the human spirit’. I can’t give up.

I saw Dr Zamar today, we discussed my progress and I updated him on how I was feeling. I told him that I have improved but have not reached remission.

It is hard to iterate enough that mood disorders are not simply emotional problems, they are brain diseases, which directly affect the nerve cells in the brain. To be suffering this is the only way I imagine hell on earth. My brain has felt like it has had a bullet go through it and tear a hole in it. The headaches have been unbearable, the frantic anxiety, thoughts bouncing around my head like a pinball machine, and on top of this the extreme emotional instability. Constantly crying, sleep problems, dark thoughts, anhedonia, lack of interest, hopelessness.

If you are reading this and are currently unwell with this disease, Dr Zamar will help you! Just keep showing up, and be patient, things get better. I am not well yet, but it is bearable now, and I genuinely feel I will reach remission soon.

I prayed to god to take away this disease, I think my prayers may be being answered. I’ll update the blog soon.

Paddleboarding at Itchenor